Secret...Shhhhhh!!

The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do.

There are a few of things in life you just know, and how much you love this naked woman is one of them. But there are a lot of things you don't know.

A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she’ll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh.

These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman’s deepest secrets that don’t—and never will—include you. You’re about to sample this hidden knowledge.

But like any man who seeks, you'd better be prepared for what you're about to find.

HER BEST FRIEND KNOWS EVERYTHING

She knows all of your vitals—from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings.

When her friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It’s not going to change.)

Chat with her about your relationship at your own risk. Your secrets are not safe with her. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love your girlfriend). But, in general, remember that she is your girlfriend's confidante first, and yours never.

JUST LOOKING AT YOUR HANDS CAN TURN HER ON

WHEN YOU GO AWAY, EVEN FOR A DAY, SHE SLEEPS IN YOUR FAVOURITE OLD T-SHIRT

Because it smells like you.

SHE FANTASIZED ABOUT BEING WITH YOU AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES BEFORE IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

SHE HAS GOOGLED YOUR EXES

WHEN SHE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, SHE COMPLETELY LOSES HER APPETITE

HER BODY REALLY ISN’T NATURALLY THIS HAIRLESS AND SMOOTH ALL OVER.

But she will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.

SHE ONLY APPEARS TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER

Her true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in her closet, her makeup bag, her desk files.

SHE STILL THINKS ABOUT HER EX-BOYFRIENDS AND COMPARES THEM TO YOU

Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

WHEN SHE SAYS, "I'M READY," SHE'LL NEED EXACTLY 7 MORE MINUTES TO GET READY

Don’t try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; She will still need an extra 7 minutes

WHEN SHE SAYS, "I'LL MEET YOU IN 15 MINUTES," SHE MEANS SHE WILL LEAVE IN 15 MINUTES

And thus, she won’t actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).

YOU’VE MADE HER CRY MORE TIMES THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW

SHE OBSESSES ABOUT WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO CALL HER AGAIN

The period of time between your first date and your “Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?” always seems stretched into slow motion.

So don’t worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to her.

And don’t send her an email or text unless you want her to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.

SHE WANTS YOU TO TALK A LITTLE DIRTY

SHE MIGHT WEAR GRANNY UNDERWEAR AND PURPOSELY NOT SHAVE HER LEGS BECAUSE SHE LIKES YOU

As crazy as it sounds, the more she likes you, the less likely she is to sleep with you on an early date, because she doesn’t want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you.

So she just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in her drawer and not shave her legs—all to prevent herself from getting naked with you too soon.

Sometimes she might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.

SHE'S CONSTANTLY TESTING YOU

She observes, analyzes, and judges every action, word, gesture, email, and facial expression.

When she asks you if you want to have a threesome, she doesn’t mean it. If you want her to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, “Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?”

SHE CHECKS OUT YOUR BUTT EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE THE ROOM

SHE NEEDS CONSTANT INDICATIONS THAT YOU WANT HER AROUND

That's why it’s better, for example, to say, “I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?” than to ask, “What are you up to this weekend?”

SHE LOVES IT WHEN YOU GET A LITTLE JEALOUS

So if you ever see her flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know she's actually flirting with you—through him.

EVEN THOUGH SHE MAY COMPLAIN THAT SHE DOESN’T SEE YOU ENOUGH (OR THAT YOU WORK TOO HARD), SHE FINDS NOTHING SEXIER THAN WATCHING YOU PUT ON A SUIT IN THE MORNING AND RUSH OFF TO WORK

SHE STARTS FIGHTS WITH YOU BECAUSE SHE'S FEELING IGNORED

She's trying to force emotion out of you. Don’t retreat into your cave; just give her what she wants: some attention. And never tell her to “calm down,” unless you want to guarantee that she absolutely won’t.

EVEN IF SHE INSISTS ON PAYING OR SPLITTING THE BILL ON YOUR FIRST DATE, SHE’LL THINK YOU'RE CHEAP IF YOU LET HER

IF SHE'S GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU, ALL OF HER FRIENDS KNOW WAY BEFORE YOU DO

She's been talking about it for two weeks.

SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE CONTROL IN BED

Yes, she has a successful career, she's financially independent, she lives on her own, and she doesn’t need a man to make her happy (in theory). She still wants you to pick her up, carry her to the bedroom, and take without asking.